The good and the bad

I've come to realize that parenthood is really a series of moments--moments so beautiful that your heart swells, and moments so awful that you feel sick to your stomach.

Last night Charlie was terrible. He was wild and rough and angry. He threw a toy car at the glass window as hard as he could, dumped Billy's tools on the ground, screamed and cried and hit anything that came near. And even though I knew his acting out had to do with yet another confusing move, I was terrible, too. I yelled at him and I hated the mean tone in my voice whenever I talked to him. After a particularly violent tantrum about going to sleep, Charlie was so exhausted that he lay on the floor in his room and I was able to move him into bed. He was still making little gulping noises the way babies do when they've been crying too hard for too long, and I suddenly felt sorry and warm toward him. I asked why on earth he had acted the way he did, and he said, "I think I'm just a bad kid, mommy." That broke my heart, and I stroked his damp head and said, "But you're not a bad kid. You're a good kid. That's why I don't understand why you would act so naughty." He thought about it and said, "I don't want to be bad anymore. I want to have a better day tomorrow.." Then he smiled, kissed me good night, and sweetly shut his eyes as if we hadn't been yelling and fighting and just plain being our worst selves all night. I sat there for a moment and I wondered if I could really just let the last three hours go, and then I decided I could.

And then this morning, while the four of us played peacefully in our new living room, I could swear I've never been anything but a patient, good mother and that my boys have never been anything but sweet and loving. It seems Jimmy inherited his father's appreciation of slapstick comedy. This morning, Charlie gave the performance of his life: leaping, falling, summer saulting, and pretending to run into walls. Jimmy was laughing hysterically and Charlie was in heaven. Between exhausted breaths, Charlie cried, "when I grow up, I'm going to marry Jimmy! He would be a good wife!"