Tonight as I read through some of my unpublished entries I came upon this little doozy from March 2011:
This week I've been at my wit's end. When Bill got home last night, I almost started crying with relief and tiredness. The boys never stop playing--not for one second--and all they want to do is wrestle. The idea of "little boys rough-housing" seems so quaint until it's your boys and you realize they intend to kill one another. After days of trying to do everything the experts instruct mothers of little hooligans to do, yesterday I felt so sad and tired I sat on the floor of Charlie's room and cried. In front of him. It scared him and it scared me. It was a moment of total failure.
I shudder to remember the desperation I felt when I wrote that paragraph. It's heartbreaking to recall that once, not that long ago, I was truly worried that Charlie was going to grow up to be a big jerk. And to think that now he's the rock in my crazy days of Jimmy-wrangling and cockroach-stalking. Wow. I need to remember this post the next time I'm ready to throw in the towel on this whole child-rearing business.
2 comments:
Darling Nit, We Wilsons have moved sooo many times I think, like me, you only remember the good times.
When we first moved to Orange (you were 4 1/2 and Cam just turned 3years old, it was also hot and we also knew no one. I too had just left a wonderful neighberhood of fantastic friends only to start fresh in a VERY hot place with no friends. However, eventually we made friends, as we have on so many moves. I am not saying it's easy, I'm just saying that I commiserate with you on being the new family in town and I know, just as in Oxford, Ohio you will once again make many friends with other stay at home moms who are also feeling crazy spending 24/7 time with their equally active pre-schoolers!
Charlie, on the other hand, challenging as he once was, is turning out to be a Child Psychologist solving his 3 year old emotional deamons with some very appropriater role playing. Jimmy, as it turns out, has become your nex challenge. Poor little stubborn brown bean, all dressed up with his own back pack ready to join his big brother for the first day of school only to learn that Charlie goes to school with Dad and Jimmy stays home with Mom. Trust me,like Cameron did when you started school before him in a brand new state, Jimmy will learn to value all the one-on-one time he gets to spend with mom while big brother Charlie is off at pre- school!
Daddy and I LOVED visiting you all in TEXAS, even if it was 107 every da. We loved your cozy home and funny, active boys and the consistant, loving parenting you and Billy do. Hang in there, and know how much you all are loved and respected by us for your own unique individualty. XO, Mama/Baba
I don't think crying in front of our kids is a failure. They need to see that you are a real person with real feelings.
And, I don't think it hurts them to know that their actions impact your feelings. I've certainly had a break-down (or two) since becoming a mother. Sometimes it helps to just let it all out!
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