(Real) Parenting Advice

Okay, I admit it, you didn't ask me for parenting advice. And, if you read my blog on a regular basis, chances are you're a little hesitant to get pointers from me. But, hey, I've survived three and a half years of this circus and I've learned a thing or two. Here's my best advice for other parents* or parents-to-be.

*Disclaimer: If your kids are well-behaved, calm, and obedient, you might not find this advice helpful. Come to think of it, please share your parenting tips with me.

1) Come up with a witty response to rude pregnancy/birth/parenting comments ahead of time (e.g. if someone puts their hands on your pregnant belly, smile and look into their eyes as you reach out and gently rub their abdomen.)

2) On really hard days, make risotto for dinner because a) it requires opening a bottle of wine, b) it doesn't take much effort but c) it demands that you stir it constantly for 30 minutes. Sorry, honey, you're going to have to chase the kids while I stand (zone out) here for a while and stir the risotto (sip this glass of wine).

3) Have a rigorous dance party with your toddlers before leaving the house for activities that require them to sit and listen.

4) Don't use lotion on your baby. They don't need it--no matter what Johnson and Johnson will have you believe. Baby skin is naturally soft. Lotion just disrupts the natural oils, thus getting your little one hooked on it for life.

5) If you have a coffee shop in your grocery store, ask for an espresso cup full of whipped cream, and let your child eat it with a wooden stir stick while you shop. If you're lucky, they won't be done scooping the last precious drop until you're checking out. (I should warn you that if you're not lucky, they'll be done, and completely covered in sticky whipped cream while you're still in the produce section.)

6) Speaking of the grocery store, never let your kids dupe you into letting them push their own little carts or ride in that monstrous truck-cart thing. You'll end up with either a bruised achilles tendon or trying to push the ridiculously awkward truck-cart while holding your toddler(s).

7) Go easy on your pre-two year old. They might seem like (naughty) kids, but they're still babies. Save the punishments and scolding for 2 1/2 and up. I wish I would have understood this when Charlie was a pre-toddler. It would have saved us both so much heartache and frustration.

8) Don't overpack your diaper bag. If you don't have it with you, you probably won't miss it. But always bring wipes. The one time you forget the wipes will be the time your kid is screaming in the produce section, covered from head to toe in melted whipped cream.

9) Finally, if you force yourself to learn one new skill as a parent, it should be how to let things roll off your back. Expect every activity to be loud/messy/frustrating/slow/stressful and try to be okay with that. Do your best to keep things calm. You're not going to achieve parenting zen every time, but if you can work on this one thing, life as a parent will become easier and more enjoyable.