It's been nearly two months and I'm still feeling a little lost. Fort Worth has its good points. It has beautiful neighborhoods, tons of things to do, no mosquitoes... and yet I feel like I'm living on Mars. It's a different world here, and I'm struggling to figure out how to fit into it.
I wrote this entry about a year ago. At the time I felt settled, serene, and pretty darn good about life. Back then I was thinking a lot about the idea that peaceful thoughts=peaceful actions=a peaceful life. But, as I pointed out in that post, it's easy to live peacefully in a place like Oxford. The values I cherished in our life there were woven into the fabric of the town. You just have to show up and take all the credit.
Lately, I feel like I have to chase down and hold tight to the thoughts and beliefs that were just common sense a year ago. The other night, as Billy and I talked about how hard this move has been, he asked what I need to feel happier here. After thinking for awhile, I told him I need a good m.o. I need something to focus on, to think about when I take Jimmy for walks (past the mansions and Mercedes Benz and conspicuously placed signs for Fort Worth Country Day). I need a go-to personal pep talk to keep me grounded. Billy just seemed relieved that I didn't say I need a mansion, Mercedes Benz, and $16,000 a year education for my kindergartner.
So tonight I spent our walk thinking about who I am, who I want to be, and what I must value no matter what else in my life changes. I created a little m.o. for myself. I repeated it to myself about 100 times. And I actually feel better. These values might not flow into me through osmosis like they did in Madison or Oxford, but I think that remembering them, believing them, working toward them will be a wonderful lesson in the long run. Here's what I came up with:
I want to be thoughtful and responsible with the earth. I won't take more than I need.
I want to be caring and active in my community. I'll find a place for my family and me to belong.
I want to be gentle and warm with others. I'll nurture genuine friendships.
I want to be loving and forgiving with family. I won't be selfish in my relationships with them.
and I want to have a peaceful and kind heart.
3 comments:
i think i will copy your MO, if you don't mind. :) it's a perfect reminder of the core important things in life. you're a great writer! i wish you and billy had moved to new york, and we could spend days together at the playground!
xoxo
Court- the things you're feeling are so similar to what my mom says moving to dallas was like when we moved from MN when I was younger. I think you're on the right path with you're MO. Its helpful to remind yourself when you're feeling kinda lost. I also think that finding a community there will be reinforcing and supporting. Keep you're chin up, it may take time, but you'll find your place again. Miss you!
This one made me cry a little, including Lena's comments since you two have been like sisters forever even though you only lived near each other for 4 years.
Your heart has always had the same touching MO and it has always led you through difficult situations. You are so loved and in return love so much and we know "Love Conqures All" so you are going to be OK.
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